Soul · Searching

My husbands checking account has been hit by a scam.

$149.00 debited from his account (that had no money in it because we have been using the joint account)$60.00 in overdraft fees. Hopefully we won't end up having to pay it but, good grief I can't deal with much more!

My mother has been in the hospital for the past week. She had been falling and having difficulty walking so I took her to the doctor. They ran various tests and said her brain was fine and her heart was fine. She has severe osteoporosis and muscle deterioration. She also has a couple of cracked ribs and compressed vertebrae in her back from the falling. The doctor recommended inpatient physical therapy to build her back up to a functional level. Unfortunately, over the past few days she has become very incoherent and confused. She is not on any medication that would cause her to be this way, so I have no idea what is going on. She keeps fighting me and trying to get me to take her home, which is impossible. She tries to run off from the hospital. They had to put an alarm on her bed and a tracking bracelet on her leg. I don't know what I'm going to do. Her doctor won't return my phone calls and I can never catch him on his rounds. I am going to talk to him today, somehow! I have to deal with this totally on my own. She has no friends and her only remaining (capable) family members are my aunt and uncle who live 2 states away. My uncle has been a lot of help (not) he keeps calling me saying I should do this or that. He called yesterday and said if she isn't better by mid-week I need to take her to an out of town hospital. Well it's easy for him to say that!! I have to work (in fact, I was planning on getting another job before this happened) and take care of my own household. How can I do that and take care of her if she's in a hospital that's 50 miles away??? Right now, I'm just at a loss and I REALLY need to get some answers from her doctor about this sudden dementia. So, I'm off to the hospital & hopefully, I will get things figured out. *sigh* Don't I ever have anything pleasant to write about??

It's been WAY too long since I've posted. It's just been crazy busy for me lately and I haven't had enough energy to write anything worthwhile. saltygoodness, I really enjoyed reading about your comic con trip :) Can't wait for the new season of BSG to start. Things have been going o.k. for me, aside from the nerves caused by constant running and doing. The heat and the economy have me a bit grumpy. Husband and I are doing pretty well. Had a big altercation with my daughter, because she didn't get to go to Warp tour. Still helping mom a lot.

So that's the gist of it :P I hope to get back to writing more soon.

My husband and I are both on vacation this week. There is a reason I generally do not take time off work, everything goes wrong when I do and instead of a nice time off I end up disappointed and frustrated. This time is no exception. To start things off we had a bad gas leak in the back yard (lucky we didn't blow up). Took us a day and a half to get that fixed and took all the money we had (which wasn't a lot) for fun. We had planned to do some motorcycle riding, but it's leaking oil and must be fixed first. Misplaced the bank card yesterday and spent hours looking for it (thankfully, we finally found it). Mother has been calling on me constantly and she wants me to take her to Owensboro to buy shoes one day this week. That will be an all day ordeal. Good grief, I might as well be at work (at least I'd be earning some money).

Spent almost all day Sunday moving my husband back in. He did most of the packing, carrying etc... My husband's brother, a friend and I helped, but only with the really heavy stuff that he couldn't possibly get on his own. Mostly,we just followed him around taunting him, which was fun. It was a lot of work. He was exhausted,working his a** off and we gave him a rough time, but he took everything we dished out with a sense of humor and didn't ask for help. He faced some of his consequences and fully accepted that he deserved it. That's a really good sign.

My daughter is very happy that her dad is moving back (which is amazing and surprising). I hope things go as well as we are all hoping. I'm sure there will be plenty of bumps and issues to deal with, but we are all planning to make our best effort.

So, my husband is moving back in this weekend. Guess we'll soon find out how well that's going to work out. So far things are looking pretty good, but I'm being cautious and waiting to see how things are once we are actually living together again. Sigh, this has been a long couple of months. I'm ready for a little peace and happiness.

But....

I still have my mother to contend with. I'm going tomorrow to see about getting someone to help me look after her and I'm going to take her back to the doctor next week. Hopefully, we can get her straightened out soon.

Seems my journal entries are becoming few and far between. It's not that I don't want to write. It's just that my thoughts and feelings are so erratic that they have become very difficult to put into words. I get on here everyday intending to post, but I just end up reading my friends journals then sitting at staring at my blank entry box for a while and giving up. I am letting things overwhelm me. I think I have gone into automatic system shutdown (circuits overloaded, alarms going off, system will shut down in 5...4....3...). If ever there was a time I should be writing, this is it. So...I'm just going to unleash some random thoughts and try to regain stability :)

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Saw this on ohbejuan's journal and thought it was nifty :)

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After almost 2 months of trying to absorb and accept what has happened in my life, yesterday evening my husband tells me he wants to come back. Now, I'm faced with a whole new set of thoughts, questions and feelings. I read a bunch of stuff about the "midlife crisis" online last night and I'm sure that is what happened with him (it's almost my story word for word), but I'm still not sure where that leaves me.

Haven't posted in a while, so I thought I'd let everyone know I'm still alive. I've just been busy trying to figure out my "real world" life. Contemplating who I am, where I am and where I want to go.

My daughter has got me watching "The Fresh Prince of Bel Air" "Mad About You" and "Full House" every night. I'm beginning to forget what year it is :)I have to say, I laugh more at those shows than I do most of the sitcoms currently airing, but "Full House" is so sugary sweet I almost feel the need to brush after viewing. I always liked Paul Reiser. Love that movie he was in about divorce and passing the kids between parents at McDonald's. *Off to look up the name of that movie*.....oh yeah, it was Bye Bye Love Janeane Garofalo and Randy Quaid were hilarious in that. Will have to hunt up a copy and watch it again. Wow, Eliza Dushku and Amber Benson were in that movie too! Now I know I've got to see it again :)

I am SO tired! I couldn't sleep at all last night. Spent most of the night online looking around aimlessly. Never did find anything particularly informative or useful, not that I knew what I was looking for anyway.

Now dazed and confused, I must head off to work:P

The Maxwell Edison Story
(a cartoon video of "Maxwell's Silver Hammer")

I have been managing o.k. until this morning. I woke up feeling really grumpy and depressed. Every little thing is bothering me, aggravating me etc...Nothing in particular has happened in the past couple of days to bring this on. I hate feeling like this! Haven't been sleeping well, but am sort of getting used to it at this point. Not looking forward to this day, if something doesn't happen to snap me out of this. Grrr....

In better news, my daughter is trying out for her school dance team this evening. She has been practicing all week. *cross fingers* I really, REALLY hope she makes it.

Otherwise, I'm still in limbo land. Have been getting on peaceably with the husband. We have been working on getting the house refinanced, but so far, we are getting really crappy quotes on interest rates. Oh, got a threatening letter from his hospital bill yesterday. I made payment arrangements for $50.00 a month and have been paying that for the past couple of years. Suddenly that's not good enough. They now want $100.00 a month. Had to do a check by phone immediately or they were going to sue. Crazy! Have been paying all this time and they still had me (us) in default and NO ONE ever mentioned this!!! Another crazy thing, they have HIS hospital bills in MY name and refuse to change it. Uggg...

Here's what I got for Mother's Day (love them!! Thank you Abbey :)

I got my mother a DVD and took her out to eat.

This evening I went to bingo (first time in years) with warmsun. I didn't win anything, but I must have brought her luck she won 4 times (totaling $375.00).

Just listened to the Red Hot Chili Peppers new album "Stadium Arcadium" :) You can listen HERE if you are inclined.

Check out the song "Especially in Michigan". I Love it!! (and I'm not just saying that 'cause some of my friends are in Michigan :P)

"If" is really good too. I pretty much like all the ones i've listened to so far.

Love the bass at the beginning of "Torture Me"!

A few of the songs are pretty raunchy (which is typical of a Chili Peppers album). Don't really like those. After reading Anthony's autobiography, I'm surprised they write about anything other than sex & drugs (he seems to be obsessed with both), but they do and when they do it's awesome.

Monday I was in the position of having to take my daughter's boyfriend home (about a 40 min drive). Luckily, warmsun called and she was in the mood to go look around at the shops over in Owensboro. So, the drive became a fun trip instead of a dreary chore. Here's a big shocker, I have to shout out a big THANKS to my daughter's boyfriend, He made us stop at this store he goes to all the time called Cool-ectors Mall. I was like a kid in a candy store. The place was huge. One half had really neat old collectible junk and the other half had more comics, action figures, etc...than I had ever seen in my life. I bought a "Wesley, Waiting in The Wings" action figure and made sure to point out several times that on all future gift giving occasions everyone should go there to shop for me :) The boyfriend bought 4 comics and accidentally left them in the car, so I'm reading them :P

All I have is questions that I can't find the answers to. Who am I now? Am I handling things right? What do I do with myself? How long will it take me to get over these confused, lost, painful feelings (that I think are giving me an ulcer)? My life has been so different since my husband moved out. I'm truly surprised at how much less there is to do around the house with him gone. Less busy work leaves me too much time to wander around and think, especially when I'm home alone. I have been visiting and calling people so much more in the past few days. I feel like I'm imposing on them, but I reach a point where I HAVE to get out of the house and talk to someone and my options are fairly limited ( wish I lived closer to my family in Evansville). My daughter seems to be completely back to normal. Should I be "over it" by now too? When I'm around other people, I try not to totally dwell on/talk about my situation, but inside/when I'm alone it's all I can think about. I love to read, but currently can't concentrate long enough to get through more than a few pages. Television, movies, internet, nothing (that I usually love) will keep my mind focused. I'm a planner (sometimes to a fault) and I'm so screwed up at the moment that I can't even rough out a plan for the day, much less where to take life from here.

Added some photos

NEWS! My daughter passed her test and she is now the proud owner of a driving permit! She was so nervous, afraid that she would flunk the test, but she aced it. I was so happy for her. Now I just need to get myself together so we can go out driving.

The stress of it all finally got to me yesterday evening and I ended up having some sort of panic attack. It just hit me out of nowhere. Once I could breathe again, I decided it was time to get control of my life back.

I had a long talk with my husband last night. One of the things that had been really bothering me was the fact that since this all started, he has been brushing me aside and I haven't had to chance to air my feelings with him. He came over to see our daughter's new permit (I'm SO glad they are trying to mend their relationship). Still don't know what is happening regarding the "other woman" she seems to be stringing him along, but I've decided that doesn't pertain to me anymore. I need to worry and work on getting life in order for myself and my daughter.

First thing I need to do is find some part time work. With my current income, I just don't make quite enough to to support the two of us on our own . Of course, I'm nervous about that, especially the fact that I don't have a college degree, but I do have some skills and I hope that I can come up with something decent.

Our first moment of joy in 2 weeks.

I typed Gary Oldman into the search on my DVR and lo and behold Rosencrantz and Guildenstern popped up for Tues. May 9th on a channel I get! It's all set to record. My daughter was laughing at me because I got so excited.

Hey, we were both smiling for a minute :)